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The end of the tunnel turns out to be an empty place

Weeks after SPM, hallelujah I can breathe again
I can smile again, i can laze around without a care in the world
I've been waiting for this moment for a long time
I knew even before that I would feel extremely relieved when I get here
but I never realized that at the end of the tunnel is an empty place

I've wasted my entire life thinking about SPM and school
I had no other life besides that
It made me so miserable
Now that it's over
Yes I am relieved
but than again I am also lost
Although I'm not desperate to run away from everything
to end my life
But I find myself longing for death more and more as each day passes
My soul wants to be set free
I feel so lost and uncertain
So insecure about everything
but death just seem to draw me in
deep in me
I have no words to describe the feeling
but letting myself go to think about death
gives me a sorta "quenched" feeling from being thirsty for so long
I've been a walking corpse for as long as I can remember
I still am
I can never feel like I was meant to be anywhere
My heart just wants to sleep for eternity
Maybe I am just tired of fighting and holding on so long
That I just want to sleep, deeply
Maybe my heart has had enough of the pain and struggling
It doesn't want to go on further to face more pain 10x worse
into the real world where evil lurks at every corner

I see babies and I feel so sorry for them
For they are so innocent and they don't know the pain
the world is so damaged now
I just hope it doesnt get worse when they are growing up
I can't imagine how evil the world would become
Even now as a troubled adolescent
I put on a mask, or poker face as some may call it
Because everyone else has so many problems already
no one would care about me
I too wouldn't want to burden anyone
So I am alright and go by my ways
never showing the cries and the screams from the inside
the world is evil, not everyone will understand
the human nature is so easily deceived, toyed, manipulated
and over-power by simple things of man
If I knew, I wish I had a chance to not choose to be born
I would wanna return home to my alien place
away from all this mess
I can't feel safe, pain is everywhere
I'm trying to avoid it
But it comes with a price
to remove yourself from everything else
and never get attached
the more attached you are the more pain
life seems like a never ending circle of deceit
I wish I could end the lives of those who give others hell
and still be a child of god
but that too is not for me to decide is it

life is full of uncertainty
in a scary way

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