-This is My Suicide-

I learned about this disorder in class on Monday. When I was reading the lecture slides on the symptoms, I was stunned. All of the symptoms summed up what I was going through all those years in Secondary school. Finally, it makes sense. All the time in school, everyone thought I was either faking being unwell or that I had a really weak immune system. I really started believing that I was weak and maybe even slowly dying or degrading because of how often it happened. Even my parents didn't believe me because I was always okay when I was at home or outside of school. So in school for years, I'd often have what I just realised  as a "full blown panic attack". I'm glad I don't panic so easily now. Could be because of my antidepressants and mood stabalisers. Or because I graduated and finally got the hell out of there. I never been in a situation where I was surrounded with that many people since school either. And I'm not terrified of my lecturers like I was ...

"I have been haunted by the realization that there simply isn't room for all the life that can be generated, and the people who refuse to cut down on the excess population of anything are not being kind; they are being cruel. They are increasing the suffering in the world". - Garette James Hardin

Urgh it's so messed up How often do I keep coming close to breaking? Every sem. Am I even doing this right and I'm to far gone to turn back Too far gone to just stop and try something else why does everything always seem so difficult for me I wanna cry but it never changes anything I always want to run away always ready to just jump into a hole and pretend that I dont exist I feel incompetant..... I just want to bash my head in and squash my brains Only thing I'll ever have is envy Pure envy..... Of top students, bright personalities, talents, list goes on I sit and watch in envy while on the inside I'm hollow with self hatred I am angry with myself for being so useless and pathetic but I don't know what to do with myself how do I become better that myself? how do I upgrade myself? my intellect? my time organization? my interest? while all I am is hitting agaisnt the wall and not knowing what else to do and just keep of banging hoping it would b...

I feel stuck, in writing; especially assignments. Makes me feel so unintelligent and incapable of college task. Which makes me wonder how I am to be do work in the professional field. I strive to increase my intelligence. I can't get ideas flowing, yet non-sensible and daily thoughts are overwhelming. None of it helpful with my writing task.  Wreck my brain. Please. There must be something of use...... Yet I feel lost, even after 3 years. Mostly I'm not sure what I'm doing or I'm constantly forgetting things Can I become a useful being?

With the constant Throwbacks, it makes me wonder what I've done in a year or longer. Not much. I'm mostly the same. I'm not proud of myself. I'm wasting time. Not much memories. Everyday is pretty much the same; for a long time.

It's been years since I wrote anything. I decided to stop writing because I didn't want to have to rethink the thoughts and go through all the emotion again. Lately my psychologist suggested that I should start writing again. So here I am. Short summary of what happened: I finished Secondary school, I'm glad I left and it's over. It was very hard for me there, even when I got diagnosed some teachers taught I could one day just get over my depression. Here I am, 21, in college, still suicidal, still need to take regular anti-depressants and mood stabilisers. However I think I'm the most "stable" condition I've ever been. I like college but I do struggle in coping, unfortunately more than others. Also I have problems looking for interest. My psychiatrist and psychologist both said it's best if I have hobbies. It's hard because I stared getting depressed slowly when I was 9 and slowly lost interest in many thing. I've only been fixated ab...