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Breaking Point

Urgh it's so messed up
How often do I keep coming close to breaking? Every sem.
Am I even doing this right and I'm to far gone to turn back
Too far gone to just stop and try something else
why does everything always seem so difficult for me
I wanna cry but it never changes anything
I always want to run away
always ready to just jump into a hole and pretend that I dont exist
I feel incompetant.....
I just want to bash my head in and squash my brains
Only thing I'll ever have is envy
Pure envy.....
Of top students, bright personalities, talents, list goes on
I sit and watch in envy while on the inside I'm hollow
with self hatred
I am angry with myself for being so useless and pathetic
but I don't know what to do with myself
how do I become better that myself?
how do I upgrade myself?
my intellect? my time organization? my interest?
while all I am is hitting agaisnt the wall and not knowing what else to do
and just keep of banging hoping it would break

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