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It's been a while....

I haven't put my thoughts and feelings down for a long time now
I guess I've been avoiding gathering all my thoughts and putting it down
I do hate doing it sometimes, it's always so emotional when you try sort your thoughts
But I like to see the long record I have of my thoughts somehow
Sort of like a record of my pain, sorrow and anger, what ever that overwhelms me

Back to how I've been feeling...

I'm falling...
Yet again....
I never seem to be able to lay a strong foundation
I'm falling into darkness
Into sin
Into the grasp of the Devil
My mind is intoxicated with his poison
I'm shackled by past, my guilt and his poison
These chains bound me to darkness
I can never reach too far out to light
These chains restrain me
No matter what people say
Not even if God forgives me
I can never forgive myself
I can never accept myself
For I am imprisoned.....
In myself....
Ironic?
It does seem confusing
Even to myself
I starting to think
Maybe this is me
This is my character
Because other than this me
Faking a smile
Making stupid decisions
And caging myself in my own thoughts
Stubbornly believing in my own solutions
Is really all there is of me
It's just me
Programmed like a computer
I'm just boring
Without it I'm nothing
Like a faceless manikin
I am aware of how terrible I am
I do prefer to be a better person
I do not wish to be a bad person
I don't like being stubborn
Yet I can't help it
I even sometimes silently ask
That others just deal with me
And accept it, in my heart

..............

I am lost now

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to think

I don't know what to feel

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere

No matter how far or where I run

It's still the same

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