It's been years since I wrote anything. I decided to stop writing because I didn't want to have to rethink the thoughts and go through all the emotion again. Lately my psychologist suggested that I should start writing again. So here I am.
Short summary of what happened:
I finished Secondary school, I'm glad I left and it's over. It was very hard for me there, even when I got diagnosed some teachers taught I could one day just get over my depression. Here I am, 21, in college, still suicidal, still need to take regular anti-depressants and mood stabilisers. However I think I'm the most "stable" condition I've ever been.
I like college but I do struggle in coping, unfortunately more than others. Also I have problems looking for interest. My psychiatrist and psychologist both said it's best if I have hobbies. It's hard because I stared getting depressed slowly when I was 9 and slowly lost interest in many thing. I've only been fixated about death most of my life. So now when it comes to hobbies I'm blank and I also dunno how to keep myself motivated to keep being interested in anything. I guess you can say I'm a compulsive quitter. Everyday I stupidly but can't stop thinking about how pathetic and useless I am, how fat I am but I can't get myself to do anything about it because I'm all caught up in this feeling of hopelessness.
I still think about dying. I'm trying my best not to hurt myself. I still hope to die soon, like a random accident or illness but I hope to die without much suffering. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered somewhere majestic. Because I don't think I ever will be able to go see anywhere majestic.
Short summary of what happened:
I finished Secondary school, I'm glad I left and it's over. It was very hard for me there, even when I got diagnosed some teachers taught I could one day just get over my depression. Here I am, 21, in college, still suicidal, still need to take regular anti-depressants and mood stabilisers. However I think I'm the most "stable" condition I've ever been.
I like college but I do struggle in coping, unfortunately more than others. Also I have problems looking for interest. My psychiatrist and psychologist both said it's best if I have hobbies. It's hard because I stared getting depressed slowly when I was 9 and slowly lost interest in many thing. I've only been fixated about death most of my life. So now when it comes to hobbies I'm blank and I also dunno how to keep myself motivated to keep being interested in anything. I guess you can say I'm a compulsive quitter. Everyday I stupidly but can't stop thinking about how pathetic and useless I am, how fat I am but I can't get myself to do anything about it because I'm all caught up in this feeling of hopelessness.
I still think about dying. I'm trying my best not to hurt myself. I still hope to die soon, like a random accident or illness but I hope to die without much suffering. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered somewhere majestic. Because I don't think I ever will be able to go see anywhere majestic.
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