-This is My Suicide-

I admit, I was teary eyed watching the video because it's so true, everyone of them.

Someone I knew wrote "I promised myself and my son that I wouldn't try to kill myself again, but it doesn't mean I've stopped thinking of death." I think it's been maybe 5 years since my attempted suicide. I still think about methods of suicide and wanting to die. There is a longing for self-harm. I miss it dearly. I think about death all the time. I've not been enjoying life really. Living is a burden. Daily life is a burden. Life is difficult. Wouldn't it be nice to leave it all. Just fuck this shit, I've had it and go. No longer having to figure out how to live. No responsibilities, suffering, illness. No dealing with people, situations,  everything.

anxiety-depression illustrations comics by sow-ay

Coming towards the end of my studies, I still think about ending my life. I feel like I've never really enjoyed living and I can't wait for it to end. That's my deepest, darkest wish. To die soon. I'm not looking forward to the next stage of life. I'm not looking forward to dealing with people, in fact I don't like dealing with people. I miss and crave cutting. I long to cut so badly, especially when I see something sharp.  I really want my arms to be covered in cuts, bleeding. Running my hands over the scars. The brief pain that is so satisfing. The act of carving the blade into my skin.

Is there possible consideration of students getting burn out instead of working people? I've been at this since 2011. It's been new subjects every 3-4 months with crazy assignments. I'm not really motivated to achieve anything, I just want it over and done with. I want it to be finished and end. It's also been increasingly difficult to write assignments now. I feel like I'm drying out of creativity. I sturggle to even write 250 words of facts or garbage. But at the same time I do enjoy being a student. I like learning and new textbooks. I like that my subjects change every semester and it's like a fresh start. I can't possibly take a sabbatical and then continue with my studies. I have to endure it to the end but I fear I would increasing be less productive. Losing all passion and motivation. Not caring about anything as longs as its over and done with. Becoming increasing more incompetant than I already am. Brain drying out like a lose leaf....

I've been meaning to write this done for a long time but I keep getting distracted. I'm having problems concentrating. My attention span is short. That really sucks when you are trying to focus on a lecture or assignment. I really want to shoot my brains out. I feel like I can't max it out to the full capacity. For, I think more than a year now my struggles in writing work is getting worse I feel like the only effort I am capable of is just shitty effort I sometimes read other students work when we are doing a group assignment I'm always amazed by what they can do. I guess one problem is that my mind is always summarized, straight to the point everything ends up way to short or not enough when on paper Now I'm concerned that I'm making myself suffer by continuing on Maybe I should just give up and start from scratch else where A new beginning...... but I'm probably going to face the same problem my brain's gears aren't grinding I do...