I feel so messed up. This week is cursed. I didn't do well in my mid-terms. I screw up in school. I screw up in ministry. I feel like an emotional wreck. I'm so depressed I can't get myself to go to school, do my homework and go to tuition. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions, I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm empty and tired. I just wanna cry. I'm regretting not killing myself when I tried. I'm crying and screaming inside. I'm lost and I feel so hopeless and guilty. I don't know what to do with myself.
It's been years since I wrote anything. I decided to stop writing because I didn't want to have to rethink the thoughts and go through all the emotion again. Lately my psychologist suggested that I should start writing again. So here I am. Short summary of what happened: I finished Secondary school, I'm glad I left and it's over. It was very hard for me there, even when I got diagnosed some teachers taught I could one day just get over my depression. Here I am, 21, in college, still suicidal, still need to take regular anti-depressants and mood stabilisers. However I think I'm the most "stable" condition I've ever been. I like college but I do struggle in coping, unfortunately more than others. Also I have problems looking for interest. My psychiatrist and psychologist both said it's best if I have hobbies. It's hard because I stared getting depressed slowly when I was 9 and slowly lost interest in many thing. I've only been fixated ab...
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