-This is My Suicide-

She was the President of St.John Am that I was in when I was in Form 4. She's my favourite President. I liked her, she was nice and cute too. We got along well..... I can't believe she's gone forever. She was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 2008 after her SPM (O Levels). She was battling the cancer and she seemed so strong. She had a lot of pain and suffering but she still managed to smile. I had faith that she would heal and win this cancer. But I am proven wrong. She breathe her last breath yesterday, the 15th at 8.47am. I can't believe it. I'm still shocked and I dunno how to handle this. I never had a friend die before. I'm depressed and lost. At least I managed to cry this time, because I've always felt like crying these few months but the tears wouldn't fall. My dearest friend, Rest In Peace. I sure hope to see you in Heaven and I hope that you will remember me then.

I feel like I'm getting no where What's the point Nothings gonna get better I'm stuck like this Why bother I giving up I'm not gonna care anymore It's always a dead end Pointless to go on I have no mood for any of this A shattered soul A walking corpse On the face of this earth

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a, bed of roses Sink me in the river, at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song Uh oh, uh oh Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a, bed of roses Sink me in the river, at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've Never known the lovin' of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a Boy here in town says he'll, love me forever Who would have thought forever could be severed by The sh...

I'm back to feeling empty inside I'm down and depressed I can't stand each day I'm so frustrated I've had enough of trying to get by Thoughts of suicide come crawling back into my mind I already feel dead and dry inside I am hollow Only the blood pumping in my veins are living My soul is dead I die more and more as each day passes Rotting away In this place where they call the land of the living what is there to live for?

This is not the end, this is not the beginning Just a voice like a riot, rocking every revision But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm Though the words sound steady, something empty's withing 'em We say yeah With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there 'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear Waiting for the end to come Wishing I had strength to stand This is not what I had planned It's out of my control Flying at the speed of light Thoughts were spinning in my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go... I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last I wish it wasn't so... I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie Al...

I can't stand this uncertainty I'm not sure what to do I can't decide what to do with myself My mom is deciding for me She can't wait any longer for an answer Somehow I don't want to care anymore I just want to lay on the road Wait for the cars to run over me Just end me FML

I know you condemn it I know Lord your against it But I know nobody's perfect and everyone sins So God I ask Can I keep this one sin? Can I still go to heaven with this sin? Can I still serve you with this sin? Because I like the way I am I've never been more sure in my life but I know you condemn it please God can you let me be with this sin?

I'm tired of living Feeling so lost making decisions not knowing where to go all these uncertainties I don't like myself I hate being so talent-less so stale, so boring nothing exciting happens I just to get over it I started cutting again I can't resist it any longer I just didn't feel okay anymore I felt strangely happy when i did I love the feeling of the blade the blood flowing out of my skin the soreness and redness on my skin the slight pain I have there Feels so good It actually makes me smile I'm strangely proud of the damage It's therapeutic

When I was a boy I didn't care about a thing It was me and this world and a broken dream I was blaming myself For all that was going wrong I was way out there On the wrong side of town And the ones that I loved I started pushing them out Then I realized That it was all my fault I've been looking for a lifeline For what seems like a lifetime I'm drowning in the pain Breaking down again Looking for a lifeline So I put out my hand And I asked for some help We tore down the walls I built around myself I was struck by the light And I fell to the ground I've been looking for a lifeline For what seems like a lifetime I'm drowning in the pain Breaking down again Looking for a lifeline Is there anybody out there? Can you pull me from this ocean of despair? I'm drowning in the pain Breaking down again Looking for a lifeline You know a heart of gold Wont take you all the way And in a world so cold Its hard to keep the faith I'm never gonna fade away! Yeah! I've bee...

How many times did you guys have been asked.... about me.... How many times, did you guys have to lie.... to them.... straight in their faces.... hurting inside.... When they ask about my meds you guys had to say it's all for ADHD..... As if it were that easy to say I know it's so painful to say that your child has depression How can anyone say it without any feelings of fear of judgment You two hesitate to answer every time they ask When they express concern You guys have to say That I'm already cured.... of ADHD.... When in truth it's nothing like that at all Even I hesitate when I'm asked what's wrong with me...... My parents always barge in explain ADHD Not because they are trying to save face They're just trying to protect me from getting hurt..... Thank you mom & dad I know you're hurting inside as well And I am, truly, deeply Sorry

I haven't put my thoughts and feelings down for a long time now I guess I've been avoiding gathering all my thoughts and putting it down I do hate doing it sometimes, it's always so emotional when you try sort your thoughts But I like to see the long record I have of my thoughts somehow Sort of like a record of my pain, sorrow and anger, what ever that overwhelms me Back to how I've been feeling... I'm falling... Yet again.... I never seem to be able to lay a strong foundation I'm falling into darkness Into sin Into the grasp of the Devil My mind is intoxicated with his poison I'm shackled by past, my guilt and his poison These chains bound me to darkness I can never reach too far out to light These chains restrain me No matter what people say Not even if God forgives me I can never forgive myself I can never accept myself For I am imprisoned..... In myself.... Ironic? It does seem confusing Even to myself I starting to think Maybe this is me This is my char...

Last day of the rest of my life I wish I would have known cause I'd have kissed my momma goodbye. I didn't tell her that I loved her or how much cared or thank my Pops for all the talks and all the wisdom he shared. Unaware I just did what I always do. Everyday the same routine before I skate off to school But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest, Instead of takin the test I took two to the chest. Call me blind but I didn't see it comin and Everybody was runnin but I couldn't Hear nothin, except gun blast, it happened so fast I didn't really know this kid though I sat by him in class. Maybe this kid was reachin' out for love or Maybe for a moment he forgot who he was or Maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged, Whatever it was I know it's because CHORUS We are, We are (We are) the youth of the nation (repeat) x4 Little Suzie she was only twelve She was given the world with every chance to excel Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell She ...

You asked me "How are you?" I replied "I'm fine thank you" a general question, a general answer I pretend to be ok and smile, but deep inside I'm dying Some people say keep pretending Maybe someday, you never know It may be real Can it really?

Most people that are suicidal think about death and attempt to kill themselves And they sometimes succeed or fail It's not because they are too cowardly to end their life We don't really want to die but we just don't know how or we can't stand living like this We can't endure the pain so we want it to end Life is too miserable In reality everything is fucked up Fine if you say everyone has to live with it Just some of us are not that strong and some of us choose not to live this way No one person is alike I sleep because I don't like living I rot because I feel no point living I can't stand it anymore I'm not strong to face it I hate this world I don't like how it is I rather not live than have to face reality Why must you judge me and think that you know me When in truth you don't know me at all I never tell you what I really think There are many things I hide from you I only show you what I choose to show you So don't judge me please Isn...

I've been reading this book "The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide" by Ted Zeff, PH.D. I've found out more about myself as a HSP From Chapter 6: Harmonious Relationships for the HSP, - Forgiveness: The Key to Inner Peace "Sometimes HSPs who have been shamed as children don't want to let go of their emotional pain because they have become so attached and used to it. Remember when your out of balance, you tend to crave more emotional pain,......" I finally understand why when I get better I almost don't want it. It's like I've grown attached to it and I feel like a part of me is missing. When I suppossedly feel better I still have suicidal toughts and I'm attracted to negative things like alcohol and wanting to abuse it. I just want to make myself worse and I want to cut myself again. I just feel somethings wrong since I've stopped cutting last Oct. Wonder how my family is gonna react when I hurt myself again...

I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting I try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become My sweetest friend? Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of shit Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here What have I become My sweetest friend? Everyone I know Goes away in the end You could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way.

I still dunno what to do with myself I feel so empty and hollow Surrounded by sorrow A walking corpse I try to be better but I stumble and fall so many times that I'm so tired and I don't wanna fall no more I'm giving up Darkness fills me I dunno how to behave in front of people I'm so used to being alone Talking to myself and objects And people in my imagination In my imaginary world Some people think I can talk to spirits Cuz I tend to express with my face when I talk in my head Maybe I'm better off alone Sinking deeper into my depression Of coarse I don't show it to others I automatically put a mask on when I meet others It's so natural to me I wonder if they would be surprised If I were to take my own life or would they even care I wonder how many people would attend my funeral I don't have many friends after all Only a handful really know me *sign*

I never thought I would see a day of in you 2010 To begin your year I have been falling deeper into darkness I haven't prayed or read the word or gone to any church events for a month I'm so tired and I have gave up on myself I wish I had an addiction or was abused so I can blame those things for how screwed up I am everything that will ruin me attracts me the darkness is in me and it's hard to part I look at junkies and juveniles and can't help but have a feeling to join them I am hollow I do not have anything else besides the darkness within me that swallows me whole I have pain, emptiness and a heavy weight on my chest It makes it harder to breathe I have a deep desire to do something destructive I just can't seem to gather all my rambling thoughts together now The heavy weight on my chest is making me feel pointless and I can't seem to express things properly in words I suck at expressing things in words To be continued.....