-This is My Suicide-

I'm honestly not looking forward to the new year it's like starting over again from the beginning getting older and weaker losing more time of your life to do things you want to do Life bites harder each time It's going to get more complicated A new year all over again more problems with society the climate and pollution gets worse evil continues to grow More people get influenced by the wrong things Life's like a game We get to a harder level as years pass never knowing what's to come never knowing when it'll end part of me wishes that the world will really end at 2012 I'm tired of everything already

I'm so emotional I cry over little things hair, my dog, talking to my principle all sorts of silly things I can cry buckets from reading a simple sad story I hear things about animals and I can cry I'm not the type that likes to cry I feel pathetic for getting so emotional I'm worse that a baby and I can't handle stress too I can have a mental break down from a stress I can just cry when I think about things I need to do How do people not cry? Like counselors when they listen to their patients and it's so overwhelming, how do they not cry? It's so hard trying to live a normal life

I don't bother anymore I worried till I'm sick of it I just want to ignore it all I want to disappear I want it all to disappear I wish there aren't any consequences I know I'm being stupid, selfish, ignorant, irresponsible, immature, cowardly Yes, I'm a coward Yes, I'm running away from my problems I know all this but I don't know what else to do I can't face it I'm numbed, I don't bother anymore I'm scared and worrisome But all that just burst and now I can't be bothered anymore All of it hit me Now I lost my mind My morality and rationality have collapsed My mentality is fading out

Things have not been going to well in my family so much crisis so much pain Each semester just keeps getting harder I'm bound with stress and tiredness I seem to be the only one Everyone is coping fine I can't handle anything without stressing I don't know how to live If I were in another country I would be doomed If I were to go out and work I can't even start to imagine how worked up I'd be I'm such a pathetic weakling I feel like shit and I can't seem to take anything without feeling anxious I don't feel like I'm cut out for any of this I feel so weird I'm a compulsive quitter I never have confidence in myself I don't see how I suck at everything I do Seeing other people being good at what they do It doesn't inspire me or anything It just demotivates me making me feel so useless and hopeless Can't my life just end here? I don't want to see the world changing I don't want to go through any more suffering I don't want to ...

I tried to kill the pain But only brought more (so much more) I lay dying And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal I'm dying (dying) Praying (praying) Bleeding (bleeding) And screaming Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? My God, my tourniquet Return to me salvation My God, my tourniquet Return to me salvation Do you remember me? Lost for so long Will you be on the other side? Will you forget me? I'm dying (dying) Praying (praying) Bleeding (bleeding) And screaming Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? My God, my tourniquet Return to me salvation My God, my tourniquet Return to me salvation (Return to me salvation) [I long to die] My God, my tourniquet Return to me salvation My God, my tourniquet Return to me salvation My wounds cry for the grave My soul cries for deliverance Will I be denied? Christ - tourniquet - my suicide

I don't feel better Even if I do, it's only temporary I've tried to kill myself Strangely as I did, even though I was crying It felt right, I was incredibly calm, Almost happy in fact. I never seen myself to have any worth I don't see myself being happy again I've only caused more pain being here My sister says I don't bother to try anything I've done enough trying, it only causes more pain I feel lost mostly, I don't know what to do anymore Just empty, If you ask why didn't I ask for help, Help doesn't make me feel better, even if it did, it's only temporarily I know you'd just laugh at my face right now or want to slap me "I can't do it so no point" you say? Weather I can or can not It does not make me feel better Maybe it does, but only for a while I do not see any potential in my life Even if I do get better from trying I don't think it's good enough You'll think all I care about is my feelings Well, I have h...

I hate myself when I lose control of my feelings and it takes over my rational thinking which then makes me do things that I hate and disgust me I always end up being so disgusted with myself for doing things I despise I feel like a hypocrite When it's done I just want to bleach myself When I wake up the next day I just hope it was a nightmare I can't even trust myself to control myself I can't even trust myself to follow morals and the rules I set for myself I hate myself for it I just want to erase it from my memory and wished it never happened Wish I could remove it completely out of my system so it'll won't ever happen again

How miserable I am I feel so pathetic and lame And it's all my own fault and now it has become my fate I feel like a disappointment to the people around me I don't feel ready to face the real world I feel to broken and weak to face the harshness I wouldn't survive, it will kill me in a slow torturous way It;s hard to make myself a better person old habits kick in pain is... painful it just adds on to the pain it;s hard to just move forward when you have a bolder chained to you I just want everything to end now I want to rest in eternal sleep no worries, no anything, just silence and peace no thoughts, no physical, no emotion just rest and peace no more of life and the world

You were standing in the wake of devastation And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown And with the cataclysm raining down Insides crying "Save me now" You were there, impossibly alone Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known Remember all the sadness and frustration And let it go. Let it go And in a burst of light that blinded every angel As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars You felt the gravity of tempered grace Falling into empty space No one there to catch you in their arms Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known Remember all the sadness and frustration And let it go. Let it go Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known Remember all the sadness and frustration And let it go. Let it go Let it go Let it go Let it go Let it go Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve...

Things have been hectic Time is not on my side There's so much to do I doubt I can do well I feel so sorry for myself Sorry for be such a pathetic excuse for a human being I'm so fat and ugly and it's all my fault I suck I try and it's so hard to get a better life Things seem so impossible It's so discouraging There's so much pain and it hurts more when you don't see improvement I'm tired Physically and mentally I'm exhausted I just want to sleep Eternally

Rescue me from prejudice Rescue me from stereotypes Rescue me from society Rescue me from hatred Rescue me from sadness Rescue me from sorrow Rescue me from genetics Rescue me from sickness Rescue me from depression Rescue me from people Rescue me from religion Rescue me from discrimination Rescue me from unfairness Rescue me from inequality Rescue me from inflation Rescue me from debt Rescue me from abuse Rescue me from addiction Rescue me from judgement Rescue me from lies Rescue me from evil Rescue me from darkness Rescue me from danger Rescue me from paranoia Rescue me from demons Rescue me from the devil Rescue me from violence Rescue me from vengeance Rescue me from rules Rescue me from laws Rescue me from morals Rescue me from the world Rescue me from life Rescue me from hell Rescue me from boundaries Rescue me from consequences Rescue me from guilt Rescue me from sin Rescue me from myself

I hate myself I hate my life I hate the things I do sometimes Things that make me feel guilty and sometimes the guilt of the sins are irreversible somethings are done and you can never take it back you can forgive yourself or pretend it never happened but it truly never is it never will be the same again I just want to punish myself for my stupidity for my weakness for giving in I wish I never had feelings I wish I could block it out and have total control of myself

My gosh I hate my sad pathetic self Why when I wanna do something There are always hindrances When I want to make things better something always happens that makes it impossible to happen Now I feel so pathetic feel like such a loser Life is hard Dying is easy

My first semester ended Second one starts at the end of the month It has been hard I am worried I still feel down I feel like crying I feel pathetic I feel useless and I feel terrible I just wanna hide from the world Hide from everyone I don't want to be around people I don't want people to see me Somehow I feel ashamed Ashamed of myself My faith is going downhill Everything is going downhill

I always thought that when I was in college, I would at least be happier than I was in school or when I wasn't doing anything at all 3 months in college... and I feel as depressed and suicidal as I was when I was diagnosed if not, worse I was already slightly better towards the road to recovery I was improving when I left school and now I'm feel like I'm going back to how I started out right at the beginning of my diagnosis I'm starting to see the less likeliness of a happier life Seeing more unfairness in the world Honestly, I don't think I'll get lucky I think I'd be having to work till I bleed to make ends meet and not having time to breathe Isn't that how life is coming to nowadays? I just wish my parents didn't have to go through all this

I dunno if I should continue and enjoy life for a better future when I dunno how long I'll have and how far I'll get. With all these natural disasters... do I even have time to enjoy the great things of the world, invest in hobbies and such? Can I even plan what activities I want to do when I am done with my studies and see the world? Do I still have enough time for that? Do I still have time to learn up some skills or visit the places I can only dream of? Or will my life end before I get a chance

College Feel so out of place I feel so uncomfortable and insecure I still wonder if I made the right choice I am terrified I feel insecure enough to cry I wonder how is this person that used to take care of me I need this person right now I wonder if the life this person chose is better I hope that everything is good Although I need a pillar of support I know I can only rely on God himself but it's hard for me as I keep hating myself more and more and I need something physical to hug all the time I wonder how long I can hold on like this