-This is My Suicide-

Weeks after SPM, hallelujah I can breathe again I can smile again, i can laze around without a care in the world I've been waiting for this moment for a long time I knew even before that I would feel extremely relieved when I get here but I never realized that at the end of the tunnel is an empty place I've wasted my entire life thinking about SPM and school I had no other life besides that It made me so miserable Now that it's over Yes I am relieved but than again I am also lost Although I'm not desperate to run away from everything to end my life But I find myself longing for death more and more as each day passes My soul wants to be set free I feel so lost and uncertain So insecure about everything but death just seem to draw me in deep in me I have no words to describe the feeling but letting myself go to think about death gives me a sorta "quenched" feeling from being thirsty for so long I've been a walking corpse for as long as I can remember I still...

*sign* My family always love to see these fortune teller people They say the same thing about me all the time Stubborn and hot-headed Ok I get it But I try and am trying so hard to change that Because I don't want to grow up becoming my father or my aunt, both whom I despise sometimes in character People say, you'll end up becoming like the people in your family you hate and repeat what they did even if you hate in unconsciously because you grew up seeing that and it automatically programs into you I just can't help but cry knowing how I would turn out to be and how alike I am to them It's like nothing I do can change it I use to think we had a choice in our life but it seems to have been determined from the date and time we were born I just hope growing in my faith and word Believing and healing in Him I can change my fate And prove those sorry asses wrong To say your readings mean nothing Its all up to God to decide and only he knows, no one else So right now they sor...

I hate her and I can't stand her She such a bitch Why can't she cause less trouble Yet she complains and say I don't appreciate my 'rents But she doesn't act like she does either She's such a bitch I try so hard to like her Sometimes it's ok But most of the time I hate being related to her She bosses me around She talks in a rude manner But she says she's talking nicely But I think it's more like sarcastic rudeness Outside and in front of her friends She seems so nice Even talks to me and treat me differently Even my parents when we're in front of others But at home she's a rotten bitch She'll probably get all the sympathy from her friends And those that adore her They'll all think that I'm a problematic useless sibling And think the fams got weird problems She complaints that this whole house is messed up And this family is so misunderstanding Yea, maybe but doesn't she realize When she's having problems with us And maybe...

I can't stand my classmates!!! (well, some) Everyday I imagine ripping their tongues and slicing them Smashing their heads open Break their legs Stuff the duster down their throats Tying them to their chairs And duck taping their mouths There so fucking noisy Even when they speak its loud They move up and down And make a mess out of the place I'm so annoying with their voices It's like mosquitoes buzzing around your ear I wanna slice their throats open I can't even get them to fucking move I wanna just kick them out of class Literally And that woman She such a fuss Bloody perfectionist That thinks everything is so simple Whatever she wants and they way she wants it No exceptions Why can't she just do it herself She makes excuses yet she does the same Hypocrite Everything she says we should do Contradicts to her actions and ways Could someone just kill her Things at home ain't that happy either Money, money, money We're in so much fucking debt And when we...

Sometimes life just get from bad to worse and never seem to get any better I sometimes think that it's still not too late to try and kill myself again I'm sick of everything I'm really tired I wanna sleep yet when I try I just can't Why is it that it is only me that is so emotional? I keep thinking that maybe I've been through a lot of hell before and it has made me the way I am That no one understand unless the looked at all the hell I've been through I think it's a lot for one person to handle End. Now. Everything. I wish I could slowly allow my soul to slip out of my body I am hollow Empty inside I can't tell apart when I am really happy and when I'm faking it anymore I'm losing my sanity Which part of me is real? I have a poker face and I sometimes feel that it's all I have Behind the mask is nothing

Yes I'm still struggling Yes I'm still hurting Yes I'm still depressed and Yes I'm still stressed and Yes I still want everything to end Last Friday, I was emo for that week So after CG, which I did enjoy I went over to my godfathers house To watch some shows to try and cheer myself up and it did but as usual it was only temporary So after my goddaddy sent me home, at around 2 almost 3 am I wash up and waited for my sister to fall asleep As soon as she did I went to the kitchen cabinet ate my daily meds and I took the brand new strip of Panadol CF (cold & flu) went back to bed and slowly, crying and emotionally consumed each tablet pill after pill, I took 10 pills that night and I could sorta taste it along my esophagus I apologized to the Lord for being such a weakling and that I had enough of life Then I closed my eyes and slept Hoping to die.... But as you can tell I didn't I woke up the next morning and I was like, I'm still alive.... It didn't work ...

Please forgive me If I leave you It's not that I don't care how you may feel It's not that I don't care about you It's not that I want you to feel the pain I'm not trying to be selfish I've just had enough of all this pain and suffering The emptiness I feel The sorrow It's overwhelming I know I have been a burden to you I know it's hard to have me around Having to be extra careful Think of my passing as your freedom I don't wanna hurt you anymore I don't wanna be a burden to you anymore I know your doing the best you can I'm sorry I'll go away and I hope you will be free Have one less thing to worry about Think it for the better It's not easy to be me All this pain, sorrow and emptiness Don't think I'm selfish until you have been in my shoes And felt this pain I have It's not like any other kind It's much stronger than any emotion Most people probably have felt I know a lot of people have pain too But mine is stron...

I hate that you have to go through the same thing But I know you are stronger than I am I want to help you but I don't know how How can I release from your pain? I understand your pain It's such a shame we have to hide it All I can do is lend you my ear and shoulder I have yet to overcome my pain as well We can cry together

Inoue Izumi D.O.B. : 19 Dec 1992 Where are you? I haven't seen you since you left in 2006. You disappeared and you abandoned you email and any other possible contacts. Did our short but meaningful friendship mean nothing to you? You were the light to my darkness. You were my strength. I know you had many problems, I sat by listening to all of it. I know you wanted love from your parents. I hope you have it now. I hope you are well and happy. Thanks for fighting for me.

I haven't seen you for almost 2 years I hope your doing well abroad I still miss you everyday I want to see you Hug you I miss your voice I miss your laugh I miss your smile Your strong personality Your beautiful eyes I wanna touch your face I think it was 4 years ago when I feel for you I don't know why But the one I look forward to another day to meet I always try to grab your attention I remember to smile for you I talk to you whenever I get a chance You were the reason I went to school for It's kinda funny now that I look back Yet my heart still aches and screams for you I thank you for making life easier when You were here Thank you for the encouragement Thanks for being there I can't let you go No matter how hard I try It's too hard and too painful I still miss you

The world has broken down Every stone’s been turned around We feel no fear at all Not at all We don’t know what’s to come Our beginning had already begun And now we have to run Come on The last look back is black The night turns dark ahead When there’s no turning back We’re glad So glad No turning back No turning back Where have you gone? You made us feel so strong You lost us and now we are Alone It’s dark despite the light Tomorrow’s not in sight And we were born to go On and on The last look back is black The night turns dark ahead When there’s no turning back We’re glad So glad No turning back No turning back Let us run and don’t look back We leave behind a burning track Let us run and don’t look back We leave behind a burning track Come on Come on The last look back is black The night turns dark ahead When there’s no turning back We’re glad So glad The last looks back is black The night turns dark ahead There’s no turning back We’re glad So glad No turning back No turning back

I'm staring at a broken door There's nothing left here anymore My room is cold It's making me insane I've been waiting here so long But now the moment seems to've come, I see the dark clouds coming up again. Running through the monsoon Beyond the world, To the end of time, Where the rain won't hurt Fighting the storm, Into the blue, And when I lose myself I think of you, Together we'll be running somewhere new Through the monsoon. Just me and you A half moon's fading from my sight I see a vision in its light But now it's gone and left me so alone I know I have to find you now Can hear your name, I don't know how Why can't we make this darkness feel like home? Running through the monsoon Beyond the world To the end of time Where the rain won't hurt Fighting the storm Into the blue And when I lose myself I think of you Together we'll be running somewhere new And nothing can hold me back from you Through the monsoon Hey! Hey! I'm fig...

Emotions, I sometimes wish i never had them so uncontrollable so destructible You're not here I try hard to let go You're burned in my memory I can never forget your smile your laugh the times spent together but all this I have kept to myself for I know you can never feel the same way about me For my feelings for you is not natural is not right in society is not accepted and for a fact that you are not like me a sinner by existence You can never feel the same way i do For you are normal and I am not I miss you so I feel so torn thinking about you I know we can never be I know it stupid to even dream I want to forget you but i can't I cherish the time we spent together even if i could never express myself and show you my real feelings because I didn't want to ruin the friendship we already have Your beautiful and strong I need you but I can never tell you Now that you're far away I feel more and more broken inside I wanna hold you and touch your face My heart screams...

Its getting light outside She is still there but no one cares They sang her Happy Birthday yesterday without her Do you want to see yourself flying through the night? This gift is what you need You're gonna be alright Eyes close and fall Her first time on the edge The scars will stay forever Side to side with death A moment that feels better Darkness and light are blinding her sight She's not coming back Its getting light outside She cannot sleep 'cause time stands still Someone's hand is touching her, she has no will Each time when it hurts, she just feels so alone She doesn't care at all Her memories are long gone Eyes close and fall And closer to the edge The scars will stay forever Side to side with death This time feels even better Darkness and light are blinding her sight She's not coming back She shuts the door She longs for more and more And more She shuts the door She longs for more and more And more Just once more Everyone is watching Her arms are so s...

This used to be our secret Now I'm hiding here alone Can't help but read our names on the wall And wash them off the stone I trusted you in every way But not enough to make you stay Turn around I've lost my ground Come and rescue me I'm burning, can't you see Come and rescue me Only you can set me free Come and rescue me Rescue me Rescue me We lied when we were dreaming Our crying was just fake I wish you could deny it Here and today My SOS on radio The only chance to let you know What I fear Can you hear? Come and rescue me I'm burning, can't you see Come and rescue me Only you can set me free Come and rescue me Rescue me You and me You and me You and me The walls are coming closer My senses fade away I'm haunted by your shadow I reach to feel your face You're not here Are you here? Come and rescue me Rescue me Come and rescue me I'm burning, can't you see Come and rescue me Only you can set me free Come and rescue me Rescue me You and me Yo...

I still feel miserable More miserable at school very frustrated and sick of seeing the same classmates and teachers, heh the more i can't stand feel like bashing their faces in more and more Can't study i feel an obstruction in my head can flow with the subjects well everything is complected as hell don't think dads priest is right for me although he insist suppose to make me feel better but i feel worse instead so much for drinking that shit burnt paper I feel more down than ever I hate myself and life more now I still hate school but trying to make a change with RR I just wanna get wasted Drink till I get drunk Get multiple injections I love needles and I enjoy the pain I just wanna throw my life away get on a speedy bike and just go till something hits me I like the feeling of blood oozing out It's like my life draining away slowly I wanna donate blood all of it I like physical pain takes away all your thinking and it makes you feel part of you is gone like your sole...

I'm tired of holding on Life is hard I just wanna give up I'm sorry That I keep hurting others I wish I was gone and everything would stop I need an instant solution But I know that's impossible How long I can I take this? I can't keep trying to fix it slowly I'm already losing my mind I just feel like screaming and crying Then rip out my heart I wish I didn't have emotions God why did I have to live Thank you for all you've done But I can't handle it anymore I.... want to quit

You try to change me To tear away my beliefs I am who i am Why does that bug you? You're never happy with wat i do I'm never good enough for you I try to be the person u want me to be You're finally happy with me At what cost? My face tired from the fake smile i wear Tears yearn to pour from my deadened eyes My soul ripped and worthless The cuts are the only visible pain But you'll never see, you're too blind too see Blinded by your own happiness I'm torn, what should i do? Please you, and whither up inside? Or be myself, and disappoint you? Neither will bring joy or happiness to me Only one choice left There is no other way This... This is my suicide!

It's funny how hello is always accompanied with goodbye, It's funny how good memories can start to make you cry. It's funny how forever never seems to really last. It's funny how much you'd lose if you forget about the past. It's funny how friends can just leave you when your down. It's funny how when you need someone they're never around. It's funny how people change and think they're so much better. It's funny how many lies can be packed in one "love letter". It's funny how people forgive even though they can't forget. It's funny how one day can contain so much regret. It's funny how ironic life turns out to be, but the funniest part of all is that none of that is funny to me.

It's always my fault I'm pathetic and useless but even if it wasn't it somehow still is why can't you see it's also your fault too why are you always so rude why are you so bitchy and you act to great and nice else where when in fact your such a diva at home i hate having to live with you it's so painful and frustrating the words you say you don't know how i feel yet you accuse me still

i'm still thinking about dropping out of school should have dropped out 2 years ago i feel vey alone, but then i do better alone i'm nuerotic i'm different from everybody at achool i dun fit in with society i'm not accepted kinda crappy being by myself but its ok it;s crappyer being in school and having to do so many things it sucks that we have make something out of ourselves it sucks that we have to do better to have a better future it sucks that we have to do anything at all i feel like crying when i;m in school but sometimes the tears wont appear i cry inside just thinking about it makes me cry but it's not so bad, i can handle my crying better now when i was in form 1-2 i'd cry almost every night cry myself to sleep i just really wanna scream and wish i was invincible i wish they let me be and let me rot on my own screw up my own life with my own hands i wonder if i can last till SPM i;m breaking down and going insane already i can...

MICHAEL JACKSON August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009 I practically grew up listening and watching MJ . I love MJ , I always sang his songs and tried to copy his moves as a child. Who can for get all the great singles? Beat It, Billie Jean, Bad, Thriller, Smooth Criminal, Black or White. He was amazing even in Jackson 5. He is the King of Pop. He has the best dance moves, the best voice and his performances were always awesome! He loves his fans and never fails them. No one can replace him nor be any better than him. Everyone loves Michael. During the later years the press were always dissing him and the paparazzi were following him everywhere and all the lawsuits . It's enough to kill anyone. Now that he's gone there saying about all the good things about him! Isn't it too late?!?! He did many great things and contributed to society tremendously ! He loved helping the needy! After he got I'll he still did, I'm sure he had many magnificent dreams that he wished he coul...

I never thought I'd die alone I laughed the loudest who'd have known? I traced the cord back to the wall No wonder it was never plugged in at all I took my time, I hurried up The choice was mine, I didn't think enough I'm too depressed to go on You'll be sorry when I'm gone I never conquered, rarely came Sixteen just held such better days Days when I still felt alive We couldn't wait to get outside The world was wide, too late to try The tour was over we'd survived I couldn't wait till I got home To pass the time in my room alone I never thought I'd die alone Another six months I'll be unknown Give all my things to all my friends You'll never step foot in my room again You'll close it off, board it up Remember the time that I spilled the cup Of apple juice in the hall Please tell mom this is not her fault I never conquered, rarely came Sixteen just held such better days Days when I still felt alive We couldn't wait to get outside ...

Life it seems, will fade away Drifting further everyday Getting lost within myself Nothing matters no one else I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give There is nothing more for me Need the end to set me free Things not what they used to be Missing one inside of me Deathly lost this can't be real Can't stand this hell i feel Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony Growing darkness taking dawn I was me, but now he's gone No one but me can save myself, but it's too late Now I can't think, think why I should even try Yesterday seems as though it never existed Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

I pretend I care but actually I'm too tired to bother I try to be responsible but in fact I just want a new beginning I'm sick of everything but I continue to smile I'm being what you've told me to be to continue to please you Cuz I don't know who I am and what I want to do anymore I try to be a good person because I screwed up most of my life And I need the need of feeling needed I need the need to feel important Because I don't have anything else to feel good about I'm totally lost in sorrow and hurt I shut myself away from everyone Cuz I can't trust anyone anymore I try not to get too attached Because I know for a fact that I have to depart later And I cannot handle anymore pain Inside I'm screaming and crying everyday I can't handle life anymore Yet I hold on and try my best not to end my life Because I promised those who love me I give it all I got But I'm sorry if I kill myself in the end It's hard trying to hold on I wish I never h...

*sigh* What's the point of living? Can I continue fighting? I'm exhausted. I feel frustrated to do anything. I wish life would end. I'm not motivated.... I feel like I'm drowning in my own sorrows....

I feel so messed up. This week is cursed. I didn't do well in my mid-terms. I screw up in school. I screw up in ministry. I feel like an emotional wreck. I'm so depressed I can't get myself to go to school, do my homework and go to tuition. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions, I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm empty and tired. I just wanna cry. I'm regretting not killing myself when I tried. I'm crying and screaming inside. I'm lost and I feel so hopeless and guilty. I don't know what to do with myself.